Propensity to excessive generalisations is feature of the human perception, able to become the reason of erroneous judgements and to be a source created by the person to itself of problems.
If you on the unique situation judge almost all life, you are inclined to excessive generalisation. An example of such erroneous thinking - the far-reaching conclusions followed from one concrete unsuccessful event. So concrete painful experience of type «I (it) do not like it» can be generalised before representation: «I am not capable (to like someone in general». By means of such generalisation one unpleasant experience expands to space scale, becomes a nutrient medium for cultivation in itself of inferiority complexes, giving of "labels" of the preconvinced relation to a life and, eventually, the absolute obstacle for achievement of vital success turns in perfect.
If in your life there was a concrete negative event, you can concern it doubly: or to consider as its separate episode, or to consider it as an indicator of your value («I on what is not capable»), values of a life («the life is disgusting») and all unpleasant situations («here so always happens»).
Seldom happens, that the person was happy and successful, if it considers a life as unique experience.
Absolutely other approach is shown by those who concerns a life as to an infinite chain of experiences. They understand changeability of destiny and constantly feel, what not all is lost. Instead of adhering to dogmas, they constantly search for new ways.
Making mistakes from which nobody is insured, you can tell: «I was mistaken (have failed)». Recognising the concrete admitted miscalculation, you give yourselves possibility in due time to make the amendment to a direction of your further movement. But if you speak: «I am a loser», - it is a question any more that you have made, and, how, in your opinion, the error has characterised you, what it has made you. Such approach does not bring advantage, does not promote training, and only fixes misses and miscalculations, transforming them in complexes of your character.
Remember that your errors is a result only your actions, instead of you. You can do errors, but do not suppose, that errors "did" you. If you do something and do not receive desirable result, do it differently. If you do not know, how - ask, read, study, search for variants. Using the research approach, you soon will come across that will work. But such possibility will never be presented to you, if from the very beginning you assure yourselves what to make anything it is impossible. Do not connect representation about itself with a victory or defeat in a concrete situation. Be active and assured, respect itself and let's to itself run into despair and apathy because of sensation of eternal failures.
Your state of health and personal activity are corner stones of ability to be guided in the life by own force. In it a success basis. There is no necessity to frighten or intimidate people, however, leaning on force, you will force many to reckon with your importance simply because believe in it all soul and are guided by this belief in the actions.
All set of the reasons which are not allowing you to be guided by force, is connected with transformation of your negative experience in the general law and with fear of that, «that happens, if...». Thus, you promote that the fear has paralysed your activity. But what such fear and whence it undertakes? As writes in the book «To be free» doctor Dajer: «If in one perfect day you go on purpose to bring home a small basket of fears how much you went, you will return with empty hands. It is impossible to find what is not present. You create fear own hands, indulging in shy thoughts and frightening expectations. Anything in the world cannot cause you a pain while you will not allow it».
If before something to undertake, you always try to be reserved by sufficient number of guarantees, to you never to become successful. The future gives to nobody of any guarantees. Therefore, to receive from a life everything, that wish, it is necessary to reject all defeatist thoughts somewhat quicker. Almost all your fears are the cleanest water of error. Tragedies which you to yourselves imagine, seldom happen actually. One ancient wise man has told: «I the old person also have seen set of troubles in the life, the majority from which was not».
Just as the child is afraid of darkness, you are afraid of what is not present, as though what is not present, the most terrible thing which can occur to you.
To be convinced of that to you nothing to be afraid, do the following experiment. Right now address to that you now more all is afraid: somewhere not to get, something not to achieve, something to lose and so on. And now reflect that terrible in your life can occur, if of what you are afraid, really happens. The method of "worst" perfectly shows absurdity of the majority of fears.
Every time when you catch yourselves that are paralysed by fear or are enslaved, ask yourself a question: «Whence it undertakes?». The first, that will come on mind, will be: "Anywhere". The auto-suggestion mechanism, and how you dispose of it Here works, it lifts you on world and prosperity top or dumps to bottom in poverty and misfortunes.
When you do not have internal feeling of self-esteem, you are taken prisoner perceptions you other people and you can easily allow to suppress to these people you. In turn, it can call many negative consequences, for example, you will not achieve and consequently will not receive what you wish to achieve in a life. Then, if you do not feel confidence of the advantages, you will estimate yourselves more low and as will receive less - less money, profit less, smaller prestige, it is less than force, least, everything, in all spheres of a life.
And on the contrary, when you direct possibilities of forces of your mind on self-trust and self-esteem creation, you not only will feel yourselves is better, but also to receive much more everything, that you want. You will achieve it, you will feel, that deserve it, and other people also will agree with it. You the position will pass these thoughts and when other people will catch your thoughts, to them there will be nothing how to agree.
There are many people who are ready, want and are capable to take away from you that by right belongs to you. It can be your energy; it can be your vital space; it can be your inalienable law to think, feel and believe in something definitely. Why you should facilitate it this problem? What for to leave the windows opened for thieves? As soon as you will have force and resoluteness to believe, that you deserve what want, in only case when you will be resolute enough to tell: «my time, now my turn Has come; it - for me, and I demand it here and right now».
To you, probably, it is necessary to overcome shyness, feeling of fault and own shyness. You deserve the best; you can have more. Demand what you want also that you are worthy, because anybody will not make it for you. Nobody will approach and will not demand a place for you. If it is not made by you, will occur nothing. Readiness, boldness and courage to demand what you want, - the main component of achievement of vital success.
The belief in the possibilities helps you to receive the practical experience confirming this belief. For example, if you are convinced, that will get certain job or increase, you will radiate confidence and to operate so as if you have this job and then people will represent you in this role. Besides, having this belief, you will be convinced, that can make everything, that is required, and can make it. And soon you will find out, that have this job because you create a reality reflecting your belief. But, if you do not have not enough internal feeling of a self-trust, any luck and favorable circumstances will not give you sensation of own force, which is necessary for you to force circumstances to take the turn necessary to your.
Many passive people do not wish to be assured as are afraid, that their behaviour will be apprehended as aggressive. Aggressive people are afraid often, that insufficient aggression from their party will be apprehended as passivity. The confident behaviour is a desirable golden mean but how you distinguish one from another?
The purpose of confident behaviour - fairly, effectively and directly to express the thoughts, feelings, desires and belief. Behaving confidently, you defend own rights, not breaking thus the rights of associates.
The purpose of aggressive behaviour - to dominate. The people behaving aggressively, defend the rights at the expense of other people.
The purpose of passive behaviour - to please associates, to avoid the conflict, to be perceived by associates as the pleasant person and to hide own feelings. The people behaving passively, hold the opinion at themselves and do not defend the legitimate rights. As a result of their right often are restrained by other people.
It is based on opinion, that other people will not like someone's confident behaviour. Researches deny this belief and actually show the return. The majority of people will want to deal with the confident person, rather than with the uncertain more likely. Extremely annoyingly to be near to the person who in any way does not express the preferences. Think, for example, over never-ending routine at attempts to calculate where to go to have dinner or what cinema to look, when someone one or several persons in the company will take one: «As want», - being are asked, that they would like. The majority of people will prefer not to be engaged in reading of thoughts, guessing that you want, that like and what require.
If will exhaust the mind doubts and disbelief in own ability to a feat the auto-suggestion mechanism will be apprehended in the spirit of disbelief, will take places in your subconsciousness in the form of prevailing thought and slowly, but will correctly start turning you in a roundabout of failures. But if you fill the mind with a self-trust, the auto-suggestion mechanism will support this belief, and it becomes your prevailing thought conducting on top of success.
Use auto-suggestion for self-development and transformation of in positive, dynamical and relying in all on itself the person.
Napoleon Hill recommends the following formula of auto-suggestion which we have a little changed and are ready to subscribe under it.
The first. I know, that is capable to achieve the specific goal, therefore I demand from myself the persevering, persistent and continuous actions directed on achievement of this purpose.
The second. I understand, that thoughts dominating in my head eventually will be realised into action and transformed to a reality and consequently I will daily concentrate on a problem of transformation of in the person to whom is intended to become, mentally representing itself such person, and to transform representation into a reality by means of practical affairs.
The third. I have accurately developed and have fixed the description of my specific goal in a life on coming ten thousand days. I have made the list have put on every year which I am going to to carry out, to achieve vital success.
The fourth. I will become successful by attraction to myself of forces which I will use, and also by means of cooperation with other people. I stimulate others for rendering to me the help as to the first I will render them service. I will get rid of hatred, envy, jealousy and cynicism, cultivating love and respect for all people as I know, that the uncooperative altitude to another never will bring to me of success. I will give to people of the basis to believe in me for I will believe in them and in myself.
So you develop the fighting character which gives you real force. Character is something such that not to elicit, not to steal and not to buy. It can be developed only, and to develop it it is possible own thoughts and acts and in any way differently.
By means of auto-suggestion any person can create to itself reliable character, irrespective of own past. As a pertinent conclusion it would be desirable to underline that circumstance, that all who possesses character, in a sufficient measure possess both enthusiasm, and own person that to them other people lasted.
Character is bearing "core" of your person, moving in a direction to success. If it is weak, you risk to degrade before position of "toy" in "hands" of numerous internal and external influences to which does not resist anything strong-willed. This pity existence, all life proceeding under the influence of uncontrollable influences. Its result - the person, not pursuing own purposes and the ideals, constantly dissatisfied and unsatisfied, never achieving vital success and not comprehended meaning of the life.
Absolutely other course of life of the person with strong character. Though and it is influenced by various factors, it can effectively resist to them will displays. Such person moves on a life as the ice breaker through fields of fragile ice, easy meeting struggles of life and losses. That for other people is misfortune, the tragedy, full disorder of all life, for it only an occasion to actions, to quiet and purposeful job. For it there are no desperate situations and the unattainable purposes. Month from a month its will power all becomes more powerful, and thinking - more and more quiet and clear. There are possibilities for awakening of deeper spheres internal "I".
The life of such person proceeds under its own scenario. It it is responsible and with understanding concerns the life and holds it in the hands.
Your destiny is defined by you. You have only that force which have drawn in the imagination.
The world round you is that, to what you represent it. Your perception of the world is painted by colour of your thoughts.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Technologies of rational behaviour.
We understand as technologies of rational behaviour and dialogue such ways, receptions and means of dialogue which to the full provide mutual understanding and mutual empathy of partners in dialogue. Thus it is important to remember the psychological law of dialogue which in the simplified form says: «Cooperation calls cooperation, and a competition - a competition».
The basic maintenance of technologies of effective dialogue finally is reduced to observance of certain rules and norms of dialogue. We will result most effective of them from the point of view of result:
* Concentrate attention to speaking, its message.
* Specify, whether correctly you have understood both the general maintenance of the accepted information, and its detail.
* Inform other party in the paraphrased form sense of the accepted information.
* In the course of reception of the information do not interrupt speaking, do not give advice, do not criticise, do not sum up, do not distract on answer preparation. It is possible to resort to it after reception of the information and its specification.
* Achieve, that you have heard and have understood. Observe sequence of the message of the information. Not having convinced of accuracy of the accepted information the partner, do not pass to new messages.
* Support atmosphere of trust, mutual respect, show empathy to the interlocutor.
* Use nonverbal communication media: frequent contact of eyes; an inclination of a head as a sign of understanding and other receptions having to meaningful dialogue.
Technologies of rational behaviour in the conflict. It is known, that splash in emotions in the course of the resolution of dispute - the bad ally and, as a rule, leads to a situation aggravation. Emotional excitation prevents to understand to opponents each other, it does not allow them to state the thoughts accurately. Therefore management of emotions in disputed interaction is one of necessary conditions of the constructive permission of a problem.
In the conflict we will understand set of ways of psychological correction as technologies of rational behaviour directed on maintenance of constructive interaction clashing, on the basis of self-checking of emotions. The special place in self-checking maintenance over emotions in disputed interaction is occupied with auto-training and socially-psychological trainings, and also formation of installations on constructive behaviour in the conflict. Among similar technologies it is possible to name ways of disposal of the anger, offered D.Skott.
One of such ways is called as visualisation. Visualisation process is reduced presenting itself doing something or speaking.
The second way disposal of anger conditionally is called as "grounding". It consists that you represent anger which enters into you as the bunch of negative energy from the person or the energy which is born in a conflict situation. Then you imagine, that this energy falls to you and easy leaves in the earth.
The third way of disposal of anger - its displaying and destruction in the form of a projection. This way consists that you radiate the anger and project it on a certain imagined screen. Then you take an imagined beam gun and "shoot" at it. (It gives an exit to desire of violent actions). With each hit your irritation weakens and finally disappears at all.
First of all, it is necessary to remember possible negative emotional reactions to sharp situations and not to suppose their display. The given technology it is conditionally possible to name «emotional endurance». It can be formulated in the form of the first rule of self-checking of the emotions which essence is reduced to quiet reaction to emotional actions of the partner. When your partner is in a condition of emotional excitation, you should not give in to action of the psychological law of infection at all and not enter into such condition. In this case, having restrained from emotional initial reaction, it is rather useful for to set questions: «Why he (behaves so», «What its/its motives in the given conflict», whether «its/its behaviour Is connected with any other reason?», Etc. Setting yourselves such questions and answering them, you reach variety of the purposes:
* in a critical situation you force to work actively consciousness and by that in addition protect yourself from emotional explosion;
* the behaviour you give the chance to the opponent to "exhaust";
* you distract from unnecessary, and at times and the harmful information which the opponent in the raised condition can splash out;
* answering questions, you solve very important and a challenge, - search for the conflict reason, try to understand motives of the contender.
The second rule of self-checking of emotions is called as rationalisation of emotions. The positive effect gives an exchange of emotional experiences in the course of dialogue. Informing on the insults, experiences, partners receive a discharge. But such exchange should be carried out in the quiet form, instead of in the form of mutual insults. In the course of an exchange of emotions, during conversation partners realise sense of an event and by that provide the further constructive development of negotiating process. Speaking about rationalisation of emotions, it is necessary to underline importance of comprehension of the reasons of the undesirable emotional reaction at the previous stage of dialogue. It will allow to avoid negative emotions at the subsequent stages.
The third rule of self-checking of emotions is reduced to maintenance of a high self-estimation in dialogue. One of the reasons of undesirable emotional reactions of partners in negotiating process often is understating of their self-estimation. Inadequacy of emotional behaviour in this case speaks one of mechanisms of psychological protection - regress. To exclude emotional reactions, it is necessary to support at itself high level of a self-estimation and to promote maintenance of a high self-estimation, feeling of the importance at the opponent.
The behaviour code in conflicts
1. Allow to the partner to "exhaust". If the partner is angry and aggressive, it is necessary to help for it to lower internal pressure. While it will not occur, to agree with it difficultly or it is impossible. During partner "explosion" it is necessary to behave easy, confidently, but it is not haughty. It is necessary to remember, that the person in a condition of emotional excitation is uncontrollable, and its aggression speaks glut of negative emotions. The best reception such minutes - to present, that round you there is a cover (aura) through which there do not pass aggression arrows. You are isolated, as in a protective cocoon. It is a little imagination, and this reception works.
2. Demand from the partner easy to prove claims. In case of a presentation of claims in the emotional form it is possible to tell to it that people can confuse the facts and emotions and that you will take into consideration only the facts and objective proofs. To sweep aside emotions it is possible questions: «what you speak, concerns the facts or opinion, a guess?», «what you confirm, it is possible not to prove?» Etc.
3. Force down aggression by unexpected receptions. For example, confidentially will ask the clashing partner for suggestions. Ask an unexpected question on something extraneous, but significant for it. Remind that connected you in the past, and was very pleasant. Pay a compliment, will feel sympathy in something. It is thus important, that the compliment or sympathy have not sounded in the form of irony. The main thing that your requests, memoirs, compliments have switched consciousness of the furious partner from negative emotions to the positive.
4. Do not give to the partner of negative estimations, and speak about the feelings. Do not speak: «you deceive me», sounds is better: «I feel deceived». Do not speak: «you the rough person», tell is better: «I am very afflicted (how you talk to me».
5. Ask to formulate a desirable end result and a problem as a chain of obstacles. The problem is that it is necessary to solve. Remember that the relation to the person is a background or conditions in which it is necessary to solve it. The aversion for the client or the partner can force out you from the problem decision. It is the roughest error. Its reason - your emotions. Do not allow emotions to operate you. Define together with the partner a problem and concentrate on it.
6. Suggest the partner to make the observations under the permission of the arisen problem and the variants of the decision. Do not search guilty and do not explain the created position, search for an exit from it. Do not stop on the first comprehensible variant, and create a spectrum of variants from which choose the best later. By search of ways of the decision remember, that it is necessary to search for mutually acceptable variants of the decision. You and the partner should be satisfied mutually. And both of you should become winners, instead of the winner and won. If you cannot agree about something search for an objective measure for the agreement (specifications, the law, the facts, existing positions, instructions etc.).
7. In any case allow to the partner «to save the face». Do not dare to be dismissed and answer with aggression aggression. Do not touch advantage of the partner. He will not excuse it, even if will concede to pressing. Do not mention its person. State an estimation only to its actions and acts. For example, it is possible to tell: «you already have not fulfilled the promise twice», but it is impossible to speak: «you are an unessential person».
8. Reflect, as an echo, sense of its statements and claims. It seems, that all is clear, and still: whether «Correctly I have understood you (?», «you wished to tell?.», «allow I will retell to be convinced, whether correctly I have understood you () or not». Such tactics eliminates misunderstanding and, besides, shows attention to the person. And it too reduces aggression.
9. In a position «on equal» keep, as on a knife edge. The majority of people when at them shout or accuse, too shout in the answer or try to concede, keep silent to extinguish anger of another. Both these positions are inefficient. Keep firmly in a position of quiet confidence. It keeps the partner from aggression and helps both not «to lose the face».
10. Be not afraid to apologise, if feel the fault. First, it disarms the partner, secondly, calls it respect. After all the confident and mature persons are capable to an apology only.
11. It is necessary to prove nothing. In any conflict situations anybody never can prove nothing to anybody. The proof in the conflict calls splash in negative emotions which block ability to understand, consider a position of the contender and to agree with "enemy". Thought job stops. Therefore the quiet exchange of opinions on a discussed problem is necessary. Such exchange should be conducted on the equal.
12. Become silent the first. If so it has turned out, that you have lost the control over yourselves and have not noticed, how you have involved in the emotional conflict, try to make the only thing - become silent. It is not necessary to demand from "opponent" to become silent. As a rule, such requirement is ineffective or is at all impracticable. It is the most easier to make it most. Your silence will allow to leave quarrel and to stop it. Using this reception, it is important to remember, that silence should not be insulting for the partner, should not get the form of jeer, gloating or a call. Silence should be directed exclusively on object of quarrel.
13. Do not characterise a condition of the opponent. In every possible way avoid verbal ascertaining of a negative emotional condition of the partner: «Well here, has got into a bottle... And you of that are nervous, are angry?. That do you rage?». Similar "calming" words only strengthen and strengthen conflict development.
14. Leaving, do not clap a door. Quarrel can be stopped, if it is quiet and without any words to leave a room. But if thus to slap a door or before leaving to tell something insulting, it is possible to call effect of terrible, destructive force. The tragical cases called by an offensive word «under a curtain» are known.
15. Speak, when the partner has cooled down. If you have become silent, and the partner has regarded refusal of quarrel as capitulation, do not deny it better. Hold a pause while it will not cool down. The position refused quarrel should exclude completely everything, something insulting and offensive for the partner. The one who reserves last solving attack wins not, and the one who will manage to stop the conflict in the beginning, will not give it dispersal.
16. Irrespective of result of the permission of the contradiction try not to destroy the relation. Express the respect and an arrangement to the partner and state the agreement concerning the arisen difficulties. And if you save relations and will allow to the partner «to save the face» you will not lose it as employee.
Five signs of wise behaviour in the conflict
1. Mind "openness". The person with "open" mind is adjusted on understanding of arguments and arguments which would not come to to him mind. It "is as though open" for that perception that does not see itself, taking of the position. It supposes the multialternative approach and understands, that it is better to have a choice.
2. The positive relation to the opponent. The "wise" person unlike "unripe" even in the conflict tries to see in the contender of the friend and the best party of its person. And it is reasonable. After all it is always easier to agree with the friend, instead of with the enemy. The friend is not aggressive, adjusted on mutual understanding, wishes to agree, is opened, does not suspect you of dishonest intentions etc.
3. Rational thinking. At the "wise" person the reason supervises emotions, and it is given not to elements and impulses, and diplomacy and sober thoughts. He is able to separate the relations, emotions from the problem and does not mix them. He solves two independent problems. One - to find the resolution of conflict. The second - to order thus the mutual relations with the opponent. And it is important to save good relations even if the conflict decision is not found. To decision search it is possible to return and later.
4. Cooperation. Typical behaviour (on the statistican it makes two thirds of all cases) in the conflict - aspiration to unilateral prizes, orientation to a standard victory where there is a winner and won. Only orientation to equality and cooperation gives an exit from the conflict.
5. Tolerance. The unripe person is intolerant of people, their features. He is irritated with their emotions, misunderstanding, other position or a reference point, other values. Wise it is always tolerant. He recognises the right of people to be such what they are, and their right to think how they think. Even if opponents show destructive behaviour, wise perceives it as a trouble of the person, instead of its fault.
The basic maintenance of technologies of effective dialogue finally is reduced to observance of certain rules and norms of dialogue. We will result most effective of them from the point of view of result:
* Concentrate attention to speaking, its message.
* Specify, whether correctly you have understood both the general maintenance of the accepted information, and its detail.
* Inform other party in the paraphrased form sense of the accepted information.
* In the course of reception of the information do not interrupt speaking, do not give advice, do not criticise, do not sum up, do not distract on answer preparation. It is possible to resort to it after reception of the information and its specification.
* Achieve, that you have heard and have understood. Observe sequence of the message of the information. Not having convinced of accuracy of the accepted information the partner, do not pass to new messages.
* Support atmosphere of trust, mutual respect, show empathy to the interlocutor.
* Use nonverbal communication media: frequent contact of eyes; an inclination of a head as a sign of understanding and other receptions having to meaningful dialogue.
Technologies of rational behaviour in the conflict. It is known, that splash in emotions in the course of the resolution of dispute - the bad ally and, as a rule, leads to a situation aggravation. Emotional excitation prevents to understand to opponents each other, it does not allow them to state the thoughts accurately. Therefore management of emotions in disputed interaction is one of necessary conditions of the constructive permission of a problem.
In the conflict we will understand set of ways of psychological correction as technologies of rational behaviour directed on maintenance of constructive interaction clashing, on the basis of self-checking of emotions. The special place in self-checking maintenance over emotions in disputed interaction is occupied with auto-training and socially-psychological trainings, and also formation of installations on constructive behaviour in the conflict. Among similar technologies it is possible to name ways of disposal of the anger, offered D.Skott.
One of such ways is called as visualisation. Visualisation process is reduced presenting itself doing something or speaking.
The second way disposal of anger conditionally is called as "grounding". It consists that you represent anger which enters into you as the bunch of negative energy from the person or the energy which is born in a conflict situation. Then you imagine, that this energy falls to you and easy leaves in the earth.
The third way of disposal of anger - its displaying and destruction in the form of a projection. This way consists that you radiate the anger and project it on a certain imagined screen. Then you take an imagined beam gun and "shoot" at it. (It gives an exit to desire of violent actions). With each hit your irritation weakens and finally disappears at all.
First of all, it is necessary to remember possible negative emotional reactions to sharp situations and not to suppose their display. The given technology it is conditionally possible to name «emotional endurance». It can be formulated in the form of the first rule of self-checking of the emotions which essence is reduced to quiet reaction to emotional actions of the partner. When your partner is in a condition of emotional excitation, you should not give in to action of the psychological law of infection at all and not enter into such condition. In this case, having restrained from emotional initial reaction, it is rather useful for to set questions: «Why he (behaves so», «What its/its motives in the given conflict», whether «its/its behaviour Is connected with any other reason?», Etc. Setting yourselves such questions and answering them, you reach variety of the purposes:
* in a critical situation you force to work actively consciousness and by that in addition protect yourself from emotional explosion;
* the behaviour you give the chance to the opponent to "exhaust";
* you distract from unnecessary, and at times and the harmful information which the opponent in the raised condition can splash out;
* answering questions, you solve very important and a challenge, - search for the conflict reason, try to understand motives of the contender.
The second rule of self-checking of emotions is called as rationalisation of emotions. The positive effect gives an exchange of emotional experiences in the course of dialogue. Informing on the insults, experiences, partners receive a discharge. But such exchange should be carried out in the quiet form, instead of in the form of mutual insults. In the course of an exchange of emotions, during conversation partners realise sense of an event and by that provide the further constructive development of negotiating process. Speaking about rationalisation of emotions, it is necessary to underline importance of comprehension of the reasons of the undesirable emotional reaction at the previous stage of dialogue. It will allow to avoid negative emotions at the subsequent stages.
The third rule of self-checking of emotions is reduced to maintenance of a high self-estimation in dialogue. One of the reasons of undesirable emotional reactions of partners in negotiating process often is understating of their self-estimation. Inadequacy of emotional behaviour in this case speaks one of mechanisms of psychological protection - regress. To exclude emotional reactions, it is necessary to support at itself high level of a self-estimation and to promote maintenance of a high self-estimation, feeling of the importance at the opponent.
The behaviour code in conflicts
1. Allow to the partner to "exhaust". If the partner is angry and aggressive, it is necessary to help for it to lower internal pressure. While it will not occur, to agree with it difficultly or it is impossible. During partner "explosion" it is necessary to behave easy, confidently, but it is not haughty. It is necessary to remember, that the person in a condition of emotional excitation is uncontrollable, and its aggression speaks glut of negative emotions. The best reception such minutes - to present, that round you there is a cover (aura) through which there do not pass aggression arrows. You are isolated, as in a protective cocoon. It is a little imagination, and this reception works.
2. Demand from the partner easy to prove claims. In case of a presentation of claims in the emotional form it is possible to tell to it that people can confuse the facts and emotions and that you will take into consideration only the facts and objective proofs. To sweep aside emotions it is possible questions: «what you speak, concerns the facts or opinion, a guess?», «what you confirm, it is possible not to prove?» Etc.
3. Force down aggression by unexpected receptions. For example, confidentially will ask the clashing partner for suggestions. Ask an unexpected question on something extraneous, but significant for it. Remind that connected you in the past, and was very pleasant. Pay a compliment, will feel sympathy in something. It is thus important, that the compliment or sympathy have not sounded in the form of irony. The main thing that your requests, memoirs, compliments have switched consciousness of the furious partner from negative emotions to the positive.
4. Do not give to the partner of negative estimations, and speak about the feelings. Do not speak: «you deceive me», sounds is better: «I feel deceived». Do not speak: «you the rough person», tell is better: «I am very afflicted (how you talk to me».
5. Ask to formulate a desirable end result and a problem as a chain of obstacles. The problem is that it is necessary to solve. Remember that the relation to the person is a background or conditions in which it is necessary to solve it. The aversion for the client or the partner can force out you from the problem decision. It is the roughest error. Its reason - your emotions. Do not allow emotions to operate you. Define together with the partner a problem and concentrate on it.
6. Suggest the partner to make the observations under the permission of the arisen problem and the variants of the decision. Do not search guilty and do not explain the created position, search for an exit from it. Do not stop on the first comprehensible variant, and create a spectrum of variants from which choose the best later. By search of ways of the decision remember, that it is necessary to search for mutually acceptable variants of the decision. You and the partner should be satisfied mutually. And both of you should become winners, instead of the winner and won. If you cannot agree about something search for an objective measure for the agreement (specifications, the law, the facts, existing positions, instructions etc.).
7. In any case allow to the partner «to save the face». Do not dare to be dismissed and answer with aggression aggression. Do not touch advantage of the partner. He will not excuse it, even if will concede to pressing. Do not mention its person. State an estimation only to its actions and acts. For example, it is possible to tell: «you already have not fulfilled the promise twice», but it is impossible to speak: «you are an unessential person».
8. Reflect, as an echo, sense of its statements and claims. It seems, that all is clear, and still: whether «Correctly I have understood you (?», «you wished to tell?.», «allow I will retell to be convinced, whether correctly I have understood you () or not». Such tactics eliminates misunderstanding and, besides, shows attention to the person. And it too reduces aggression.
9. In a position «on equal» keep, as on a knife edge. The majority of people when at them shout or accuse, too shout in the answer or try to concede, keep silent to extinguish anger of another. Both these positions are inefficient. Keep firmly in a position of quiet confidence. It keeps the partner from aggression and helps both not «to lose the face».
10. Be not afraid to apologise, if feel the fault. First, it disarms the partner, secondly, calls it respect. After all the confident and mature persons are capable to an apology only.
11. It is necessary to prove nothing. In any conflict situations anybody never can prove nothing to anybody. The proof in the conflict calls splash in negative emotions which block ability to understand, consider a position of the contender and to agree with "enemy". Thought job stops. Therefore the quiet exchange of opinions on a discussed problem is necessary. Such exchange should be conducted on the equal.
12. Become silent the first. If so it has turned out, that you have lost the control over yourselves and have not noticed, how you have involved in the emotional conflict, try to make the only thing - become silent. It is not necessary to demand from "opponent" to become silent. As a rule, such requirement is ineffective or is at all impracticable. It is the most easier to make it most. Your silence will allow to leave quarrel and to stop it. Using this reception, it is important to remember, that silence should not be insulting for the partner, should not get the form of jeer, gloating or a call. Silence should be directed exclusively on object of quarrel.
13. Do not characterise a condition of the opponent. In every possible way avoid verbal ascertaining of a negative emotional condition of the partner: «Well here, has got into a bottle... And you of that are nervous, are angry?. That do you rage?». Similar "calming" words only strengthen and strengthen conflict development.
14. Leaving, do not clap a door. Quarrel can be stopped, if it is quiet and without any words to leave a room. But if thus to slap a door or before leaving to tell something insulting, it is possible to call effect of terrible, destructive force. The tragical cases called by an offensive word «under a curtain» are known.
15. Speak, when the partner has cooled down. If you have become silent, and the partner has regarded refusal of quarrel as capitulation, do not deny it better. Hold a pause while it will not cool down. The position refused quarrel should exclude completely everything, something insulting and offensive for the partner. The one who reserves last solving attack wins not, and the one who will manage to stop the conflict in the beginning, will not give it dispersal.
16. Irrespective of result of the permission of the contradiction try not to destroy the relation. Express the respect and an arrangement to the partner and state the agreement concerning the arisen difficulties. And if you save relations and will allow to the partner «to save the face» you will not lose it as employee.
Five signs of wise behaviour in the conflict
1. Mind "openness". The person with "open" mind is adjusted on understanding of arguments and arguments which would not come to to him mind. It "is as though open" for that perception that does not see itself, taking of the position. It supposes the multialternative approach and understands, that it is better to have a choice.
2. The positive relation to the opponent. The "wise" person unlike "unripe" even in the conflict tries to see in the contender of the friend and the best party of its person. And it is reasonable. After all it is always easier to agree with the friend, instead of with the enemy. The friend is not aggressive, adjusted on mutual understanding, wishes to agree, is opened, does not suspect you of dishonest intentions etc.
3. Rational thinking. At the "wise" person the reason supervises emotions, and it is given not to elements and impulses, and diplomacy and sober thoughts. He is able to separate the relations, emotions from the problem and does not mix them. He solves two independent problems. One - to find the resolution of conflict. The second - to order thus the mutual relations with the opponent. And it is important to save good relations even if the conflict decision is not found. To decision search it is possible to return and later.
4. Cooperation. Typical behaviour (on the statistican it makes two thirds of all cases) in the conflict - aspiration to unilateral prizes, orientation to a standard victory where there is a winner and won. Only orientation to equality and cooperation gives an exit from the conflict.
5. Tolerance. The unripe person is intolerant of people, their features. He is irritated with their emotions, misunderstanding, other position or a reference point, other values. Wise it is always tolerant. He recognises the right of people to be such what they are, and their right to think how they think. Even if opponents show destructive behaviour, wise perceives it as a trouble of the person, instead of its fault.
Belief and arguing methods
Word - the great tool of human dialogue and boundless influence on people. Heads care often of the maintenance of verbal influence, and at the same time carefree concern its form which is not less important. What, for example, means, when it is a question of the technician of verbal belief? It is diction (an accurate pronunciation of sounds), an expressive pronunciation (in particular correct operating by logic accents), loudness (depending on an audience), ability to operate the gestures and a mimicry, accurate logic structure of speech, presence of pauses, short breaks. It is necessary to notice, that convinces not only a word, but also business, therefore to count in convincing influence only on words, even correctly and intelligibly told, but not confirmed with concrete affairs, it is not necessary.
Belief methods are leaders among methods of organising influence. The belief is, first of all, an explanation and the proof of correctness and necessity of certain behaviour or inadmissibility of any offence.
Belief process, perhaps, most difficult among other ways of organising influence. The leading place takes arguing of the position and aspiration in this process to make so that it became a position, belief of each participant of collective activity. Therefore we will more attentively consider arguing as the major basis of belief. We will stop on parametres of convincing influence.
Ways of arguing there is a set, but, as well as in chess, practice has developed a number of "correct debuts». They can be shown to following four receptions.
1. Reception of removal of intensity demands an establishment of emotional contact to the interlocutor. For this purpose enough several words. The joke, in time and to a place told, also in many respects promotes a discharge of intensity and creation of positive psychological conditions for discussion.
2. Reception "input" allows to state short a situation and, having co-ordinated it with the conversation maintenance to use as a starting point for carrying out of discussion of a problem. In these purposes it is possible to use any events, comparisons, personal impressions, a comical case or an unusual question with success.
3. Reception of stimulation of imagination assumes statement in the beginning of conversation of set of questions under the maintenance of those problems which should be considered. This method yields good results when the executor differs a sober sight at a solved problem.
4. Reception of the direct approach assumes direct transition to business without any introduction or a preamble. Schematically it looks as follows: is short inform the reasons on which session is convoked, and pass to their discussion.
How to promote that the person has accepted your point of view? These recommendations can be useful in psychocorrectional job.
Rule the first: to convince the person in something - does not mean to argue with it. Misunderstanding cannot be settled dispute, they can be eliminated only by means of a step, aspiration to reconciliation and sincere desire to understand the point of view of another.
Rule the second: respect opinion of other people, never say to the person sharply, that it is not right, especially at strangers as in this case it will be difficult to it to agree with you.
Never begin with the statement: «I am ready to prove to you». It is equivalent to as though you have told: «I am cleverer than you». It some kind of a call. Such reference incites the interlocutor against you still before you will start it to convince.
If the person states any thought and you consider its wrong or even are absolutely assured of its inaccuracy, nevertheless, to address to the interlocutor approximately with such words better: «I can be mistaken. Let's understand the facts». You never will get into difficulties, if recognise, that can be mistaken. It will stop any dispute and will force your interlocutor to be so fair and frank, as well as you, will compel it to recognise, that he too can be mistaken.
Rule the third: if you are not right, admit it quickly and resolutely. To recognise much easier most the errors or lacks, than to listen to condemnation from other person. If you assume, that someone wishes to respond about you negatively, tell it earlier. You will disarm him. In some cases it is much more pleasant to recognise itself wrong, than to try to be protected. The error recognition, as a rule, calls indulgence to the one who has made it.
Rule the fourth: when you wish to convince the person of correctness of your point of view, have conversation in benevolent tone. Do not begin with questions on which your opinions disperse. Speak about in what your opinions coincide.
Rule the fifth: try to receive from the interlocutor the affirmative answer at the very beginning of conversation. If the person has told: No", - its pride demands, that it remained consecutive up to the end.
Rule the sixth: give to other person the right more to speak, and try to be laconic. True is what even our friends prefer to speak more about the successes, than to listen, as we are praised. The most part of people, trying to achieve that the person has understood their point of view, speak are an appreciable error much. Give the chance to another to express, therefore learn to set questions to interlocutors is better.
Rule the seventh: let to the person know, that idea which you to it have submitted, belongs to it, instead of you.
Rule the eighth: if wish to convince people in something, try to look at things their eyes. Each person has a reason to arrive so, instead of differently. Find this latent reason, and you will have "key", you will understand its actions and, maybe, even personal qualities. Try to put itself on its place. You will save a lot of time and save the nerves.
Rule the ninth: concern with sympathy for ideas and desires of other person. Sympathy - here that passionately is wished by everyone. The most part of the people surrounding you, require sympathy.
Rule the tenth: to change opinion or the point of view someone, address to noble motives. The person usually is guided by two motives in the actions: one what nobly sounds, and other true. The person will think of the true reason. But all of us, being idealists in a shower, we like to speak about noble promptings.
Rule the eleventh: use a principle of presentation for the proof of the correctness. To put the truth only into words at times happens insufficiently. The truth should be shown is live, interestingly, visually.
Belief methods are leaders among methods of organising influence. The belief is, first of all, an explanation and the proof of correctness and necessity of certain behaviour or inadmissibility of any offence.
Belief process, perhaps, most difficult among other ways of organising influence. The leading place takes arguing of the position and aspiration in this process to make so that it became a position, belief of each participant of collective activity. Therefore we will more attentively consider arguing as the major basis of belief. We will stop on parametres of convincing influence.
Ways of arguing there is a set, but, as well as in chess, practice has developed a number of "correct debuts». They can be shown to following four receptions.
1. Reception of removal of intensity demands an establishment of emotional contact to the interlocutor. For this purpose enough several words. The joke, in time and to a place told, also in many respects promotes a discharge of intensity and creation of positive psychological conditions for discussion.
2. Reception "input" allows to state short a situation and, having co-ordinated it with the conversation maintenance to use as a starting point for carrying out of discussion of a problem. In these purposes it is possible to use any events, comparisons, personal impressions, a comical case or an unusual question with success.
3. Reception of stimulation of imagination assumes statement in the beginning of conversation of set of questions under the maintenance of those problems which should be considered. This method yields good results when the executor differs a sober sight at a solved problem.
4. Reception of the direct approach assumes direct transition to business without any introduction or a preamble. Schematically it looks as follows: is short inform the reasons on which session is convoked, and pass to their discussion.
How to promote that the person has accepted your point of view? These recommendations can be useful in psychocorrectional job.
Rule the first: to convince the person in something - does not mean to argue with it. Misunderstanding cannot be settled dispute, they can be eliminated only by means of a step, aspiration to reconciliation and sincere desire to understand the point of view of another.
Rule the second: respect opinion of other people, never say to the person sharply, that it is not right, especially at strangers as in this case it will be difficult to it to agree with you.
Never begin with the statement: «I am ready to prove to you». It is equivalent to as though you have told: «I am cleverer than you». It some kind of a call. Such reference incites the interlocutor against you still before you will start it to convince.
If the person states any thought and you consider its wrong or even are absolutely assured of its inaccuracy, nevertheless, to address to the interlocutor approximately with such words better: «I can be mistaken. Let's understand the facts». You never will get into difficulties, if recognise, that can be mistaken. It will stop any dispute and will force your interlocutor to be so fair and frank, as well as you, will compel it to recognise, that he too can be mistaken.
Rule the third: if you are not right, admit it quickly and resolutely. To recognise much easier most the errors or lacks, than to listen to condemnation from other person. If you assume, that someone wishes to respond about you negatively, tell it earlier. You will disarm him. In some cases it is much more pleasant to recognise itself wrong, than to try to be protected. The error recognition, as a rule, calls indulgence to the one who has made it.
Rule the fourth: when you wish to convince the person of correctness of your point of view, have conversation in benevolent tone. Do not begin with questions on which your opinions disperse. Speak about in what your opinions coincide.
Rule the fifth: try to receive from the interlocutor the affirmative answer at the very beginning of conversation. If the person has told: No", - its pride demands, that it remained consecutive up to the end.
Rule the sixth: give to other person the right more to speak, and try to be laconic. True is what even our friends prefer to speak more about the successes, than to listen, as we are praised. The most part of people, trying to achieve that the person has understood their point of view, speak are an appreciable error much. Give the chance to another to express, therefore learn to set questions to interlocutors is better.
Rule the seventh: let to the person know, that idea which you to it have submitted, belongs to it, instead of you.
Rule the eighth: if wish to convince people in something, try to look at things their eyes. Each person has a reason to arrive so, instead of differently. Find this latent reason, and you will have "key", you will understand its actions and, maybe, even personal qualities. Try to put itself on its place. You will save a lot of time and save the nerves.
Rule the ninth: concern with sympathy for ideas and desires of other person. Sympathy - here that passionately is wished by everyone. The most part of the people surrounding you, require sympathy.
Rule the tenth: to change opinion or the point of view someone, address to noble motives. The person usually is guided by two motives in the actions: one what nobly sounds, and other true. The person will think of the true reason. But all of us, being idealists in a shower, we like to speak about noble promptings.
Rule the eleventh: use a principle of presentation for the proof of the correctness. To put the truth only into words at times happens insufficiently. The truth should be shown is live, interestingly, visually.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Pejsing, or display of feelings.
In psychology under pejsing any form of "reflexion" of other person, i.e. conditions creation in which everything, that he sees is understood, hears or feels, it is represented to it correct, good and fair.
Pejsing (or reflexion of feelings) is an aspiration to show to the interlocutor, that we understand its feelings. As it is pleasant to speak with the sensitive interlocutor who divides your emotions and experiences, not paying special attention to the speech maintenance, which being sometimes has no special value and for you most.
Pejsing means, that you show to other person the parties of the person closest to it. People are inclined to sympathise with those who is similar to them, and do not wish to argue with those who is pleasant to them. Is better we communicate with people who look at the world the same as we at which the same liking and antipathies. We choose to ourselves friends among people who give us sensation of internal harmony.
Pejsing occurs absolutely unconsciously when there is a liking i.e. when there is an inclination. But pejsing it is possible to apply and it is conscious as the specific technics of achievement of an inclination, in a situation when people badly know each other, are closed, adjusted expectantly or sceptically, are in a defensive or offensive position, are nervous, etc.
Having seized technics pejsing, you can come out the winner from many difficult situations arising in the course of your dialogue with other people.
To reflect people it is possible in the various ways.
1. Through body language (a pose in which you sit or stand, position of feet, gesticulation, head position, gait, a look, breath, a touch, clothes).
2. Through speech (a voice timbre, tempo of speech, a mere verbiage, tone, force of a voice, use of professional words and expressions).
3. Through feelings (tolerance, interest, an inclusiveness, display of respect for qualification, character traits and experience of the interlocutor).
By pejsing you will manage considerably to improve relations with other person if will adapt for it at least a timbre of the voice and speed of speech.
Reflexion of feelings is most useful in conflict situations. If we can show to the person that we understand its feelings, "accusatory" heat of its speech for certain will fall down.
Many conflicts between people arise only because one speaks very quickly, and another - too slowly. As a rule, the one who speaks quickly, is irritated and starts to speak even faster. It calls feeling of uncertainty and the protest its interlocutor, and as reaction he speaks even more slowly.
The people possessing a good professional knowledge and experience in this or that area, easily can, that not wishing, to belittle the less knowing interlocutors if begin to speak with them too quickly. Even worse when the expert starts to use professional terminology. Such situation is very extended in relations the doctor - the patient: if the doctor quickly sets questions, not caring of answer reception, does not look at the patient and in general renders it not enough attention that feels «not in the plate».
Reflexion of feelings is desirable in situations when the interlocutor is tormented by a personal problem and he wishes to share with us and to find understanding. Besides, reflexion of feelings helps to realise better and more full an own emotional condition that is the beginning of overcoming of crisis. Being a mirror reflecting feelings of the interlocutor, we become some kind of doctors of his soul. Naturally, he will consider us as magnificent interlocutors and begins to aspire to communicate with us.
There are quite certain rules of application pejsing, consisting in the following.
1. At reflexion of feelings the accent becomes not on the message maintenance, and on an emotional condition of the interlocutor.
2. Reflecting feelings of the interlocutor, it is necessary to show to it, that we understand its condition and to pass it the words. For example, it is possible to use such phrases: «At me such sensation, that you are excited by something». Or: «it seems to me, that you are a little offended...»
Thus it is desirable to avoid categorical formulations of type: «I am assured, that you are afflicted». Such categorical statements about feelings of the interlocutor can call it only irritation.
3. To understand feelings of the interlocutor it is possible various ways. First of all, it is necessary to pay attention to the words used by it reflecting feelings (artful, unpleasant, heavy, unexpected, painfully to see, it was difficult to present, etc.). It is possible to guess much on a look, gestures, intonation. That it is better to understand the interlocutor, it is necessary as it is possible to present more brightly, that ourselves would feel on a place speaking in such situation.
You, of course, had to test negative reaction from the person to whom you have rendered a positive sign on attention. Meeting negative reaction to positive signs on attention going from you, and it would be desirable to tell: «Here see, positive signs on attention very easily can call negative reaction». But it is too hasty conclusion. Negative reaction, possibly, is called by one of following reasons.
1. The way with which help you have rendered a positive sign on attention, was inappropriate in the given concrete situation. The person who has negatively reacted to positive signs of attention, during that moment was in gloomy mood.
2. The person has covered the confusion with negative reaction.
To render and accept attention signs it is necessary so that it looked natural. It is very uneasy. Here good preparation and delicacy are necessary. To render attention signs it is possible only in all sincerity. If you render a positive sign on attention insincerely, at heart considering, that the person of it is not worthy, as though you tried, your true relation will be shown in a mimicry, gestures, a pose, intonations, etc., and your sign on attention will be rejected as flattery display. Remember that language of your body never lies.
And now in the generalised kind we will give concrete advice about rendering of signs on attention.
1. If the person negatively reacts to positive signs on attention, it, most likely, means, that he wishes to receive them even more.
2. The manner in which you render attention signs, should correspond to your character and a concrete situation. Behave easy and sincerely. Attention signs should look natural. Do not use too many words in a superlative degree and be not overzealous.
3. Remember that the best sign on attention of you is an attention. It first of all visual contact, correct position of a body, the use of a name of the interlocutor, voice modulation, tempo of speech and so forth Differently, is a question of those displays which are observed at conversation with the pleasant interlocutor.
4. A determinative defining reaction of the person on signs of attention which you render it, your relation to it is. Whether you consider, what he really deserves a positive sign on attention, or you pursue thus any latent aim, for example, to flatter and receive something in exchange? Your signs on attention will be accepted much better if you develop in yourselves installation: «I the good person. Others too good people though and in something differ from me».
5. Remember that the more signs on attention you render to the person, the it is more than signs on attention will want to render to you. You want it or not, your true relation is always shown in a mimicry, plastic, etc. Therefore language of your body is perceived surrounding as more sincere expression of your intentions, than your words.
6. Rendering attention signs, avoid the jammed phrases, a cliche and stereotypes. Be by itself, differently your behaviour will seem to false people who know you.
7. It is necessary to give special attention to rendering of untied signs on attention. They have the greatest effect. Take for a rule to express the positive relation if see, that someone does something good. Learn as it is possible to express pleasure and attention sincere and more warmly.
8. If you manage not at once to receive the positive response to positive signs on attention rendered by you, do not despair! Continue in the same spirit, and sooner or later results will come. Try to render more signs on attention in those areas which for the given person have special value.
9. When you learn to show attention to positive lines of other people and to do it when they of it deserve, then it will be much easier to you to render and negative signs on attention. People on whom your criticism is turned, it will be easier to be perceived. They will feel your aspiration it to help, will listen more to your critical remarks and to perceive them as council and a constructive wish, instead of as unfair reproach.
For many people to render an attention sign to other person not so it is simple. For others it is even more difficult to accept it. It especially concerns the people having scarce balance of signs of attention. Therefore it is necessary to get rid of the constraint, stirring to accept attention signs, and to learn to answer a praise «Thanks, I am glad, that you so think of me» instead of speaking: «Yes that I there have
Pejsing (or reflexion of feelings) is an aspiration to show to the interlocutor, that we understand its feelings. As it is pleasant to speak with the sensitive interlocutor who divides your emotions and experiences, not paying special attention to the speech maintenance, which being sometimes has no special value and for you most.
Pejsing means, that you show to other person the parties of the person closest to it. People are inclined to sympathise with those who is similar to them, and do not wish to argue with those who is pleasant to them. Is better we communicate with people who look at the world the same as we at which the same liking and antipathies. We choose to ourselves friends among people who give us sensation of internal harmony.
Pejsing occurs absolutely unconsciously when there is a liking i.e. when there is an inclination. But pejsing it is possible to apply and it is conscious as the specific technics of achievement of an inclination, in a situation when people badly know each other, are closed, adjusted expectantly or sceptically, are in a defensive or offensive position, are nervous, etc.
Having seized technics pejsing, you can come out the winner from many difficult situations arising in the course of your dialogue with other people.
To reflect people it is possible in the various ways.
1. Through body language (a pose in which you sit or stand, position of feet, gesticulation, head position, gait, a look, breath, a touch, clothes).
2. Through speech (a voice timbre, tempo of speech, a mere verbiage, tone, force of a voice, use of professional words and expressions).
3. Through feelings (tolerance, interest, an inclusiveness, display of respect for qualification, character traits and experience of the interlocutor).
By pejsing you will manage considerably to improve relations with other person if will adapt for it at least a timbre of the voice and speed of speech.
Reflexion of feelings is most useful in conflict situations. If we can show to the person that we understand its feelings, "accusatory" heat of its speech for certain will fall down.
Many conflicts between people arise only because one speaks very quickly, and another - too slowly. As a rule, the one who speaks quickly, is irritated and starts to speak even faster. It calls feeling of uncertainty and the protest its interlocutor, and as reaction he speaks even more slowly.
The people possessing a good professional knowledge and experience in this or that area, easily can, that not wishing, to belittle the less knowing interlocutors if begin to speak with them too quickly. Even worse when the expert starts to use professional terminology. Such situation is very extended in relations the doctor - the patient: if the doctor quickly sets questions, not caring of answer reception, does not look at the patient and in general renders it not enough attention that feels «not in the plate».
Reflexion of feelings is desirable in situations when the interlocutor is tormented by a personal problem and he wishes to share with us and to find understanding. Besides, reflexion of feelings helps to realise better and more full an own emotional condition that is the beginning of overcoming of crisis. Being a mirror reflecting feelings of the interlocutor, we become some kind of doctors of his soul. Naturally, he will consider us as magnificent interlocutors and begins to aspire to communicate with us.
There are quite certain rules of application pejsing, consisting in the following.
1. At reflexion of feelings the accent becomes not on the message maintenance, and on an emotional condition of the interlocutor.
2. Reflecting feelings of the interlocutor, it is necessary to show to it, that we understand its condition and to pass it the words. For example, it is possible to use such phrases: «At me such sensation, that you are excited by something». Or: «it seems to me, that you are a little offended...»
Thus it is desirable to avoid categorical formulations of type: «I am assured, that you are afflicted». Such categorical statements about feelings of the interlocutor can call it only irritation.
3. To understand feelings of the interlocutor it is possible various ways. First of all, it is necessary to pay attention to the words used by it reflecting feelings (artful, unpleasant, heavy, unexpected, painfully to see, it was difficult to present, etc.). It is possible to guess much on a look, gestures, intonation. That it is better to understand the interlocutor, it is necessary as it is possible to present more brightly, that ourselves would feel on a place speaking in such situation.
You, of course, had to test negative reaction from the person to whom you have rendered a positive sign on attention. Meeting negative reaction to positive signs on attention going from you, and it would be desirable to tell: «Here see, positive signs on attention very easily can call negative reaction». But it is too hasty conclusion. Negative reaction, possibly, is called by one of following reasons.
1. The way with which help you have rendered a positive sign on attention, was inappropriate in the given concrete situation. The person who has negatively reacted to positive signs of attention, during that moment was in gloomy mood.
2. The person has covered the confusion with negative reaction.
To render and accept attention signs it is necessary so that it looked natural. It is very uneasy. Here good preparation and delicacy are necessary. To render attention signs it is possible only in all sincerity. If you render a positive sign on attention insincerely, at heart considering, that the person of it is not worthy, as though you tried, your true relation will be shown in a mimicry, gestures, a pose, intonations, etc., and your sign on attention will be rejected as flattery display. Remember that language of your body never lies.
And now in the generalised kind we will give concrete advice about rendering of signs on attention.
1. If the person negatively reacts to positive signs on attention, it, most likely, means, that he wishes to receive them even more.
2. The manner in which you render attention signs, should correspond to your character and a concrete situation. Behave easy and sincerely. Attention signs should look natural. Do not use too many words in a superlative degree and be not overzealous.
3. Remember that the best sign on attention of you is an attention. It first of all visual contact, correct position of a body, the use of a name of the interlocutor, voice modulation, tempo of speech and so forth Differently, is a question of those displays which are observed at conversation with the pleasant interlocutor.
4. A determinative defining reaction of the person on signs of attention which you render it, your relation to it is. Whether you consider, what he really deserves a positive sign on attention, or you pursue thus any latent aim, for example, to flatter and receive something in exchange? Your signs on attention will be accepted much better if you develop in yourselves installation: «I the good person. Others too good people though and in something differ from me».
5. Remember that the more signs on attention you render to the person, the it is more than signs on attention will want to render to you. You want it or not, your true relation is always shown in a mimicry, plastic, etc. Therefore language of your body is perceived surrounding as more sincere expression of your intentions, than your words.
6. Rendering attention signs, avoid the jammed phrases, a cliche and stereotypes. Be by itself, differently your behaviour will seem to false people who know you.
7. It is necessary to give special attention to rendering of untied signs on attention. They have the greatest effect. Take for a rule to express the positive relation if see, that someone does something good. Learn as it is possible to express pleasure and attention sincere and more warmly.
8. If you manage not at once to receive the positive response to positive signs on attention rendered by you, do not despair! Continue in the same spirit, and sooner or later results will come. Try to render more signs on attention in those areas which for the given person have special value.
9. When you learn to show attention to positive lines of other people and to do it when they of it deserve, then it will be much easier to you to render and negative signs on attention. People on whom your criticism is turned, it will be easier to be perceived. They will feel your aspiration it to help, will listen more to your critical remarks and to perceive them as council and a constructive wish, instead of as unfair reproach.
For many people to render an attention sign to other person not so it is simple. For others it is even more difficult to accept it. It especially concerns the people having scarce balance of signs of attention. Therefore it is necessary to get rid of the constraint, stirring to accept attention signs, and to learn to answer a praise «Thanks, I am glad, that you so think of me» instead of speaking: «Yes that I there have
Self-giving of the reasons of behaviour.
There is no doubt that in dialogue the self-giving which "purpose" is the organisation of understanding of the reasons of the behaviour the partner in the necessary direction for us is constantly used also. A considerable quantity of such often used turns as «I am not guilty, that...», «circumstances so have developed, that...», «I have been compelled...», «then all so did» etc., etc., are simple enough and all accessible, naive if it is possible so to be expressed, self-giving means in which the attention of the partner is involved in that reason of own actions which seems to us to the most comprehensible.
However there are also much more difficult ways of self-giving of the reasons of behaviour. Who did not meet people at whom all is always bad which in all does not carry also which simply pursue various vital difficulties, but, the main thing which very much like about it to tell. Such "long-term" self-giving leads to what if necessary to interpret behaviour of such person in this or that situation associates first of all will recollect these and other circumstances and will attribute the reason for them, instead of personal qualities of the person. On the other hand, self-giving «to me always carries» leads to usually personal revaluation of acts of "lucky beggar". Possibly, has no big sense in detail to describe all such ways of self-giving, important simply once again to underline their influence on understanding us our partners. Also it is necessary to think of why all consider what exactly you are guilty in all failures, and same as you Vasily Ivanovich always appears an unfortunate victim of circumstances - in it, probably, is shown not only injustice of the general opinion, but also our own efforts.
Representations about self-giving will be incomplete if not to consider its ethical aspects. In widespread ordinary expressions of type to "show off", «to dupe on ears» the uncooperative altitude to those actions with which help "show off", and to people who do it is heard obviously negative. Differently, in everyday representation there is not especially valid relation to self-giving. Certainly, not always, but often everyday representations connect it not with better qualities of people.
Such position in relation to self-giving speaks that in the general opinion it is unfairly closely connected with representation about sensibleness of actions. Consider, that self-giving is always conscious and, moreover, is always directed on misleading the partner. However neither the first - obligatory comprehension of self-giving, nor the second - that it always misleads, - mismatch the validity.
Self-giving influences dialogue always, is perfect irrespective of, is how much full people of it to itself represent and as they concern it. If two friends are going to on the important conversation to the heads and one of them considers necessary to put on the best suit, a white shirt and a tie, to look "accordingly", and another is despised such «by a concession under a situation» and consequently there is in jeans and an old sweater, that, despite the different relation to it, self-giving is made by both: the first "submits" importance, respect, the status, respectability, another "shows" independence, naivety, independence. Thus, self-giving objectively is present at any dialogue, the person wants that or not. So, it at any moment can be a source of errors at perception of another. At such understanding of a problem it is more important to be fixed not so much on the negative emotional associations connected with self-giving, how much, having realised its obligatory presence at dialogue, to understand its laws, means and methods to consider possible influence
For example, many researches show, that one of the reasons of early divorces is the disappointment of spouses in each other after some period of a joint life when they find out, that those qualities which they assumed in the partner, actually are absent. Clearly, what is it it is in many respects connected with self-giving.
In our society people marry a romantic fog in a head more often; usually they do not pay attention to character traits, requirements and the purposes of the elect (darling). They marry with an image, instead of the person. This image is made by a part of their own desires and imaginations (most of all it is similar to interpretation of stains Rorshah), and the part turns out as a result of the conscious or not realised game of the partner. The person can represent itself before other other - such person whom, in his opinion, it is possible to accept and grow fond, however very seldom it is the present image of the person. And home life reveals points of discrepancy expected and valid, and there are changes in relations.
Certainly, skilful self-giving is important not only for happy marriage. It is very significant and in many trades - the doctor, the teacher, the inspector, the lawyer, the head etc. Self-giving plays the important role in friendly and business relations. Therefore the low estimation of its influence is an inexcusable error.
However there are also much more difficult ways of self-giving of the reasons of behaviour. Who did not meet people at whom all is always bad which in all does not carry also which simply pursue various vital difficulties, but, the main thing which very much like about it to tell. Such "long-term" self-giving leads to what if necessary to interpret behaviour of such person in this or that situation associates first of all will recollect these and other circumstances and will attribute the reason for them, instead of personal qualities of the person. On the other hand, self-giving «to me always carries» leads to usually personal revaluation of acts of "lucky beggar". Possibly, has no big sense in detail to describe all such ways of self-giving, important simply once again to underline their influence on understanding us our partners. Also it is necessary to think of why all consider what exactly you are guilty in all failures, and same as you Vasily Ivanovich always appears an unfortunate victim of circumstances - in it, probably, is shown not only injustice of the general opinion, but also our own efforts.
Representations about self-giving will be incomplete if not to consider its ethical aspects. In widespread ordinary expressions of type to "show off", «to dupe on ears» the uncooperative altitude to those actions with which help "show off", and to people who do it is heard obviously negative. Differently, in everyday representation there is not especially valid relation to self-giving. Certainly, not always, but often everyday representations connect it not with better qualities of people.
Such position in relation to self-giving speaks that in the general opinion it is unfairly closely connected with representation about sensibleness of actions. Consider, that self-giving is always conscious and, moreover, is always directed on misleading the partner. However neither the first - obligatory comprehension of self-giving, nor the second - that it always misleads, - mismatch the validity.
Self-giving influences dialogue always, is perfect irrespective of, is how much full people of it to itself represent and as they concern it. If two friends are going to on the important conversation to the heads and one of them considers necessary to put on the best suit, a white shirt and a tie, to look "accordingly", and another is despised such «by a concession under a situation» and consequently there is in jeans and an old sweater, that, despite the different relation to it, self-giving is made by both: the first "submits" importance, respect, the status, respectability, another "shows" independence, naivety, independence. Thus, self-giving objectively is present at any dialogue, the person wants that or not. So, it at any moment can be a source of errors at perception of another. At such understanding of a problem it is more important to be fixed not so much on the negative emotional associations connected with self-giving, how much, having realised its obligatory presence at dialogue, to understand its laws, means and methods to consider possible influence
For example, many researches show, that one of the reasons of early divorces is the disappointment of spouses in each other after some period of a joint life when they find out, that those qualities which they assumed in the partner, actually are absent. Clearly, what is it it is in many respects connected with self-giving.
In our society people marry a romantic fog in a head more often; usually they do not pay attention to character traits, requirements and the purposes of the elect (darling). They marry with an image, instead of the person. This image is made by a part of their own desires and imaginations (most of all it is similar to interpretation of stains Rorshah), and the part turns out as a result of the conscious or not realised game of the partner. The person can represent itself before other other - such person whom, in his opinion, it is possible to accept and grow fond, however very seldom it is the present image of the person. And home life reveals points of discrepancy expected and valid, and there are changes in relations.
Certainly, skilful self-giving is important not only for happy marriage. It is very significant and in many trades - the doctor, the teacher, the inspector, the lawyer, the head etc. Self-giving plays the important role in friendly and business relations. Therefore the low estimation of its influence is an inexcusable error.
Self-giving of an actual condition.
All those features of display of an actual condition of the person in its external shape and behaviour which we discussed earlier, can be used also in self-giving. When we look a film or performance and we do not like game of the actor, we can characterise it so: «it here changes something, presses». What does it mean? If to ponder, it means, that, playing this or that condition (so, making the realised self-giving), the actor has overdone - has overflowed external drawing of a role with signs on the excitement, this or that experience.
And we, looking at it, do not find, that it adequately passes that occurs to it. To not skilled actors often there is the return - they obviously "underact", or as professionals speak, the "clip", consisting that external signs on experience of the actor simply are not visible and then in general it is not clear that occurs to its hero affects.
About the same we see often in own dialogue. Sometimes, wishing that the interlocutor is better us has understood, has like our experiences, we "pedal", we underline any external signs of agitation, despondency etc. It there can be and unintentionally, however it not that other as self-giving, and we count, that our partners adequately will understand our behaviour. Sometimes there is as though a negative self-giving - the person for whatever reasons tries to hide, that to it occurs, not to show outwardly the feelings. There is even an ordinary opinion as if ability to hide the feelings is very useful in a life. However it is difficult to disagree that in real dialogue it only complicates understanding others of our problems and in general does not promote successful mutual understanding. When the person is really interested in the partner and its understanding it should get rid in every possible way of such negative self-giving, and simply speaking, to behave more easy.
Thus, self-giving of an actual condition - very essential component of dialogue, to which hardly it is necessary to neglect attention.
And we, looking at it, do not find, that it adequately passes that occurs to it. To not skilled actors often there is the return - they obviously "underact", or as professionals speak, the "clip", consisting that external signs on experience of the actor simply are not visible and then in general it is not clear that occurs to its hero affects.
About the same we see often in own dialogue. Sometimes, wishing that the interlocutor is better us has understood, has like our experiences, we "pedal", we underline any external signs of agitation, despondency etc. It there can be and unintentionally, however it not that other as self-giving, and we count, that our partners adequately will understand our behaviour. Sometimes there is as though a negative self-giving - the person for whatever reasons tries to hide, that to it occurs, not to show outwardly the feelings. There is even an ordinary opinion as if ability to hide the feelings is very useful in a life. However it is difficult to disagree that in real dialogue it only complicates understanding others of our problems and in general does not promote successful mutual understanding. When the person is really interested in the partner and its understanding it should get rid in every possible way of such negative self-giving, and simply speaking, to behave more easy.
Thus, self-giving of an actual condition - very essential component of dialogue, to which hardly it is necessary to neglect attention.
Appeal self-giving.
Appeal too is a management subject. And if superiority self-giving is not always important for the person appeal self-giving is important for everyone.
Appeal signs expenses of the person for the appearance, that work which should be carried out for creation of certain external shape can be. We will specify, which work is necessary for creation of the image. Perhaps it is work on getting of a fashionable dress, effort on creation of a modern hairdress. Probably, everyone intuitively understands, that (the clothes, a hairdress) in itself not strongly "play" separate elements of its shape in sense of appeal. We will tell, the fashionable clothes in itself, contrary to a popular belief, "work" not on appeal, and on superiority demonstration is more often. But if these fashionable clothes go to us, i.e. we spend time for selection of clothes not only by criterion of a fashion, but also by criterion of conformity of clothes to our data we for certain will look more attractively.
So, a rule of self-giving of appeal very simple: not the clothes in itself do us more attractively, and that work which is spent by us for its reduction in conformity with the external data.
Often, facing to a mirror, we do not suspect that not only we make toilet, but also we strengthen an error under the appeal factor: all is self-giving, after all the more we will like, the is better on all parametres we will be estimated. Certainly, it is not necessary to think, that appeal self-giving always increases its estimation. There are situations when self-giving serves another - to error decrease. When the beautiful woman «not so watches itself» - hardly brushes the hair less often, does not give special attention to that carry are too not that other as self-giving, in this case is attempt to lower an appeal error.
On supervision of sociologists, it is much more difficult to beautiful women to construct strong happy home life, than less beautiful. It is connected with an error of appeal which in some cases so is great that leads to obvious revaluation of the woman on all parametres - to mind, economy, etc., that quite often does not prove to be true in marriage, and the disappointed men are inclined to blame the spouse that it "has deteriorated". And it only insufficiency of self-giving and influence of an error of appeal. Therefore decrease in this error at dialogue with the future husband - very important problem. And in much more simple situations it is useful to be able to reduce error action. The weight of situations demands it: reception of visitors - «the mistress should not be more beautiful than visitors», another's wedding - «the bride should eclipse all beauty», passing an examination to the woman-teacher - what for to distract it? In all these cases appeal self-giving too is made, but only "on the contrary" - there are less than expenses, it is less than attention to itself, etc.
Continuation in a following post.
Appeal signs expenses of the person for the appearance, that work which should be carried out for creation of certain external shape can be. We will specify, which work is necessary for creation of the image. Perhaps it is work on getting of a fashionable dress, effort on creation of a modern hairdress. Probably, everyone intuitively understands, that (the clothes, a hairdress) in itself not strongly "play" separate elements of its shape in sense of appeal. We will tell, the fashionable clothes in itself, contrary to a popular belief, "work" not on appeal, and on superiority demonstration is more often. But if these fashionable clothes go to us, i.e. we spend time for selection of clothes not only by criterion of a fashion, but also by criterion of conformity of clothes to our data we for certain will look more attractively.
So, a rule of self-giving of appeal very simple: not the clothes in itself do us more attractively, and that work which is spent by us for its reduction in conformity with the external data.
Often, facing to a mirror, we do not suspect that not only we make toilet, but also we strengthen an error under the appeal factor: all is self-giving, after all the more we will like, the is better on all parametres we will be estimated. Certainly, it is not necessary to think, that appeal self-giving always increases its estimation. There are situations when self-giving serves another - to error decrease. When the beautiful woman «not so watches itself» - hardly brushes the hair less often, does not give special attention to that carry are too not that other as self-giving, in this case is attempt to lower an appeal error.
On supervision of sociologists, it is much more difficult to beautiful women to construct strong happy home life, than less beautiful. It is connected with an error of appeal which in some cases so is great that leads to obvious revaluation of the woman on all parametres - to mind, economy, etc., that quite often does not prove to be true in marriage, and the disappointed men are inclined to blame the spouse that it "has deteriorated". And it only insufficiency of self-giving and influence of an error of appeal. Therefore decrease in this error at dialogue with the future husband - very important problem. And in much more simple situations it is useful to be able to reduce error action. The weight of situations demands it: reception of visitors - «the mistress should not be more beautiful than visitors», another's wedding - «the bride should eclipse all beauty», passing an examination to the woman-teacher - what for to distract it? In all these cases appeal self-giving too is made, but only "on the contrary" - there are less than expenses, it is less than attention to itself, etc.
Continuation in a following post.
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