Self-giving of the reasons of behaviour.

There is no doubt that in dialogue the self-giving which "purpose" is the organisation of understanding of the reasons of the behaviour the partner in the necessary direction for us is constantly used also. A considerable quantity of such often used turns as «I am not guilty, that...», «circumstances so have developed, that...», «I have been compelled...», «then all so did» etc., etc., are simple enough and all accessible, naive if it is possible so to be expressed, self-giving means in which the attention of the partner is involved in that reason of own actions which seems to us to the most comprehensible.


However there are also much more difficult ways of self-giving of the reasons of behaviour. Who did not meet people at whom all is always bad which in all does not carry also which simply pursue various vital difficulties, but, the main thing which very much like about it to tell. Such "long-term" self-giving leads to what if necessary to interpret behaviour of such person in this or that situation associates first of all will recollect these and other circumstances and will attribute the reason for them, instead of personal qualities of the person. On the other hand, self-giving «to me always carries» leads to usually personal revaluation of acts of "lucky beggar". Possibly, has no big sense in detail to describe all such ways of self-giving, important simply once again to underline their influence on understanding us our partners. Also it is necessary to think of why all consider what exactly you are guilty in all failures, and same as you Vasily Ivanovich always appears an unfortunate victim of circumstances - in it, probably, is shown not only injustice of the general opinion, but also our own efforts.


Representations about self-giving will be incomplete if not to consider its ethical aspects. In widespread ordinary expressions of type to "show off", «to dupe on ears» the uncooperative altitude to those actions with which help "show off", and to people who do it is heard obviously negative. Differently, in everyday representation there is not especially valid relation to self-giving. Certainly, not always, but often everyday representations connect it not with better qualities of people.


Such position in relation to self-giving speaks that in the general opinion it is unfairly closely connected with representation about sensibleness of actions. Consider, that self-giving is always conscious and, moreover, is always directed on misleading the partner. However neither the first - obligatory comprehension of self-giving, nor the second - that it always misleads, - mismatch the validity.


Self-giving influences dialogue always, is perfect irrespective of, is how much full people of it to itself represent and as they concern it. If two friends are going to on the important conversation to the heads and one of them considers necessary to put on the best suit, a white shirt and a tie, to look "accordingly", and another is despised such «by a concession under a situation» and consequently there is in jeans and an old sweater, that, despite the different relation to it, self-giving is made by both: the first "submits" importance, respect, the status, respectability, another "shows" independence, naivety, independence. Thus, self-giving objectively is present at any dialogue, the person wants that or not. So, it at any moment can be a source of errors at perception of another. At such understanding of a problem it is more important to be fixed not so much on the negative emotional associations connected with self-giving, how much, having realised its obligatory presence at dialogue, to understand its laws, means and methods to consider possible influence


For example, many researches show, that one of the reasons of early divorces is the disappointment of spouses in each other after some period of a joint life when they find out, that those qualities which they assumed in the partner, actually are absent. Clearly, what is it it is in many respects connected with self-giving.

In our society people marry a romantic fog in a head more often; usually they do not pay attention to character traits, requirements and the purposes of the elect (darling). They marry with an image, instead of the person. This image is made by a part of their own desires and imaginations (most of all it is similar to interpretation of stains Rorshah), and the part turns out as a result of the conscious or not realised game of the partner. The person can represent itself before other other - such person whom, in his opinion, it is possible to accept and grow fond, however very seldom it is the present image of the person. And home life reveals points of discrepancy expected and valid, and there are changes in relations.

Certainly, skilful self-giving is important not only for happy marriage. It is very significant and in many trades - the doctor, the teacher, the inspector, the lawyer, the head etc. Self-giving plays the important role in friendly and business relations. Therefore the low estimation of its influence is an inexcusable error.