Technologies of rational behaviour.

We understand as technologies of rational behaviour and dialogue such ways, receptions and means of dialogue which to the full provide mutual understanding and mutual empathy of partners in dialogue. Thus it is important to remember the psychological law of dialogue which in the simplified form says: «Cooperation calls cooperation, and a competition - a competition».


The basic maintenance of technologies of effective dialogue finally is reduced to observance of certain rules and norms of dialogue. We will result most effective of them from the point of view of result:


* Concentrate attention to speaking, its message.

* Specify, whether correctly you have understood both the general maintenance of the accepted information, and its detail.

* Inform other party in the paraphrased form sense of the accepted information.

* In the course of reception of the information do not interrupt speaking, do not give advice, do not criticise, do not sum up, do not distract on answer preparation. It is possible to resort to it after reception of the information and its specification.

* Achieve, that you have heard and have understood. Observe sequence of the message of the information. Not having convinced of accuracy of the accepted information the partner, do not pass to new messages.

* Support atmosphere of trust, mutual respect, show empathy to the interlocutor.

* Use nonverbal communication media: frequent contact of eyes; an inclination of a head as a sign of understanding and other receptions having to meaningful dialogue.


Technologies of rational behaviour in the conflict. It is known, that splash in emotions in the course of the resolution of dispute - the bad ally and, as a rule, leads to a situation aggravation. Emotional excitation prevents to understand to opponents each other, it does not allow them to state the thoughts accurately. Therefore management of emotions in disputed interaction is one of necessary conditions of the constructive permission of a problem.


In the conflict we will understand set of ways of psychological correction as technologies of rational behaviour directed on maintenance of constructive interaction clashing, on the basis of self-checking of emotions. The special place in self-checking maintenance over emotions in disputed interaction is occupied with auto-training and socially-psychological trainings, and also formation of installations on constructive behaviour in the conflict. Among similar technologies it is possible to name ways of disposal of the anger, offered D.Skott.


One of such ways is called as visualisation. Visualisation process is reduced presenting itself doing something or speaking.


The second way disposal of anger conditionally is called as "grounding". It consists that you represent anger which enters into you as the bunch of negative energy from the person or the energy which is born in a conflict situation. Then you imagine, that this energy falls to you and easy leaves in the earth.


The third way of disposal of anger - its displaying and destruction in the form of a projection. This way consists that you radiate the anger and project it on a certain imagined screen. Then you take an imagined beam gun and "shoot" at it. (It gives an exit to desire of violent actions). With each hit your irritation weakens and finally disappears at all.


First of all, it is necessary to remember possible negative emotional reactions to sharp situations and not to suppose their display. The given technology it is conditionally possible to name «emotional endurance». It can be formulated in the form of the first rule of self-checking of the emotions which essence is reduced to quiet reaction to emotional actions of the partner. When your partner is in a condition of emotional excitation, you should not give in to action of the psychological law of infection at all and not enter into such condition. In this case, having restrained from emotional initial reaction, it is rather useful for to set questions: «Why he (behaves so», «What its/its motives in the given conflict», whether «its/its behaviour Is connected with any other reason?», Etc. Setting yourselves such questions and answering them, you reach variety of the purposes:


* in a critical situation you force to work actively consciousness and by that in addition protect yourself from emotional explosion;

* the behaviour you give the chance to the opponent to "exhaust";

* you distract from unnecessary, and at times and the harmful information which the opponent in the raised condition can splash out;

* answering questions, you solve very important and a challenge, - search for the conflict reason, try to understand motives of the contender.


The second rule of self-checking of emotions is called as rationalisation of emotions. The positive effect gives an exchange of emotional experiences in the course of dialogue. Informing on the insults, experiences, partners receive a discharge. But such exchange should be carried out in the quiet form, instead of in the form of mutual insults. In the course of an exchange of emotions, during conversation partners realise sense of an event and by that provide the further constructive development of negotiating process. Speaking about rationalisation of emotions, it is necessary to underline importance of comprehension of the reasons of the undesirable emotional reaction at the previous stage of dialogue. It will allow to avoid negative emotions at the subsequent stages.


The third rule of self-checking of emotions is reduced to maintenance of a high self-estimation in dialogue. One of the reasons of undesirable emotional reactions of partners in negotiating process often is understating of their self-estimation. Inadequacy of emotional behaviour in this case speaks one of mechanisms of psychological protection - regress. To exclude emotional reactions, it is necessary to support at itself high level of a self-estimation and to promote maintenance of a high self-estimation, feeling of the importance at the opponent.


The behaviour code in conflicts


1. Allow to the partner to "exhaust". If the partner is angry and aggressive, it is necessary to help for it to lower internal pressure. While it will not occur, to agree with it difficultly or it is impossible. During partner "explosion" it is necessary to behave easy, confidently, but it is not haughty. It is necessary to remember, that the person in a condition of emotional excitation is uncontrollable, and its aggression speaks glut of negative emotions. The best reception such minutes - to present, that round you there is a cover (aura) through which there do not pass aggression arrows. You are isolated, as in a protective cocoon. It is a little imagination, and this reception works.


2. Demand from the partner easy to prove claims. In case of a presentation of claims in the emotional form it is possible to tell to it that people can confuse the facts and emotions and that you will take into consideration only the facts and objective proofs. To sweep aside emotions it is possible questions: «what you speak, concerns the facts or opinion, a guess?», «what you confirm, it is possible not to prove?» Etc.


3. Force down aggression by unexpected receptions. For example, confidentially will ask the clashing partner for suggestions. Ask an unexpected question on something extraneous, but significant for it. Remind that connected you in the past, and was very pleasant. Pay a compliment, will feel sympathy in something. It is thus important, that the compliment or sympathy have not sounded in the form of irony. The main thing that your requests, memoirs, compliments have switched consciousness of the furious partner from negative emotions to the positive.


4. Do not give to the partner of negative estimations, and speak about the feelings. Do not speak: «you deceive me», sounds is better: «I feel deceived». Do not speak: «you the rough person», tell is better: «I am very afflicted (how you talk to me».


5. Ask to formulate a desirable end result and a problem as a chain of obstacles. The problem is that it is necessary to solve. Remember that the relation to the person is a background or conditions in which it is necessary to solve it. The aversion for the client or the partner can force out you from the problem decision. It is the roughest error. Its reason - your emotions. Do not allow emotions to operate you. Define together with the partner a problem and concentrate on it.


6. Suggest the partner to make the observations under the permission of the arisen problem and the variants of the decision. Do not search guilty and do not explain the created position, search for an exit from it. Do not stop on the first comprehensible variant, and create a spectrum of variants from which choose the best later. By search of ways of the decision remember, that it is necessary to search for mutually acceptable variants of the decision. You and the partner should be satisfied mutually. And both of you should become winners, instead of the winner and won. If you cannot agree about something search for an objective measure for the agreement (specifications, the law, the facts, existing positions, instructions etc.).


7. In any case allow to the partner «to save the face». Do not dare to be dismissed and answer with aggression aggression. Do not touch advantage of the partner. He will not excuse it, even if will concede to pressing. Do not mention its person. State an estimation only to its actions and acts. For example, it is possible to tell: «you already have not fulfilled the promise twice», but it is impossible to speak: «you are an unessential person».


8. Reflect, as an echo, sense of its statements and claims. It seems, that all is clear, and still: whether «Correctly I have understood you (?», «you wished to tell?.», «allow I will retell to be convinced, whether correctly I have understood you () or not». Such tactics eliminates misunderstanding and, besides, shows attention to the person. And it too reduces aggression.


9. In a position «on equal» keep, as on a knife edge. The majority of people when at them shout or accuse, too shout in the answer or try to concede, keep silent to extinguish anger of another. Both these positions are inefficient. Keep firmly in a position of quiet confidence. It keeps the partner from aggression and helps both not «to lose the face».


10. Be not afraid to apologise, if feel the fault. First, it disarms the partner, secondly, calls it respect. After all the confident and mature persons are capable to an apology only.


11. It is necessary to prove nothing. In any conflict situations anybody never can prove nothing to anybody. The proof in the conflict calls splash in negative emotions which block ability to understand, consider a position of the contender and to agree with "enemy". Thought job stops. Therefore the quiet exchange of opinions on a discussed problem is necessary. Such exchange should be conducted on the equal.


12. Become silent the first. If so it has turned out, that you have lost the control over yourselves and have not noticed, how you have involved in the emotional conflict, try to make the only thing - become silent. It is not necessary to demand from "opponent" to become silent. As a rule, such requirement is ineffective or is at all impracticable. It is the most easier to make it most. Your silence will allow to leave quarrel and to stop it. Using this reception, it is important to remember, that silence should not be insulting for the partner, should not get the form of jeer, gloating or a call. Silence should be directed exclusively on object of quarrel.


13. Do not characterise a condition of the opponent. In every possible way avoid verbal ascertaining of a negative emotional condition of the partner: «Well here, has got into a bottle... And you of that are nervous, are angry?. That do you rage?». Similar "calming" words only strengthen and strengthen conflict development.


14. Leaving, do not clap a door. Quarrel can be stopped, if it is quiet and without any words to leave a room. But if thus to slap a door or before leaving to tell something insulting, it is possible to call effect of terrible, destructive force. The tragical cases called by an offensive word «under a curtain» are known.


15. Speak, when the partner has cooled down. If you have become silent, and the partner has regarded refusal of quarrel as capitulation, do not deny it better. Hold a pause while it will not cool down. The position refused quarrel should exclude completely everything, something insulting and offensive for the partner. The one who reserves last solving attack wins not, and the one who will manage to stop the conflict in the beginning, will not give it dispersal.


16. Irrespective of result of the permission of the contradiction try not to destroy the relation. Express the respect and an arrangement to the partner and state the agreement concerning the arisen difficulties. And if you save relations and will allow to the partner «to save the face» you will not lose it as employee.


Five signs of wise behaviour in the conflict


1. Mind "openness". The person with "open" mind is adjusted on understanding of arguments and arguments which would not come to to him mind. It "is as though open" for that perception that does not see itself, taking of the position. It supposes the multialternative approach and understands, that it is better to have a choice.


2. The positive relation to the opponent. The "wise" person unlike "unripe" even in the conflict tries to see in the contender of the friend and the best party of its person. And it is reasonable. After all it is always easier to agree with the friend, instead of with the enemy. The friend is not aggressive, adjusted on mutual understanding, wishes to agree, is opened, does not suspect you of dishonest intentions etc.


3. Rational thinking. At the "wise" person the reason supervises emotions, and it is given not to elements and impulses, and diplomacy and sober thoughts. He is able to separate the relations, emotions from the problem and does not mix them. He solves two independent problems. One - to find the resolution of conflict. The second - to order thus the mutual relations with the opponent. And it is important to save good relations even if the conflict decision is not found. To decision search it is possible to return and later.


4. Cooperation. Typical behaviour (on the statistican it makes two thirds of all cases) in the conflict - aspiration to unilateral prizes, orientation to a standard victory where there is a winner and won. Only orientation to equality and cooperation gives an exit from the conflict.


5. Tolerance. The unripe person is intolerant of people, their features. He is irritated with their emotions, misunderstanding, other position or a reference point, other values. Wise it is always tolerant. He recognises the right of people to be such what they are, and their right to think how they think. Even if opponents show destructive behaviour, wise perceives it as a trouble of the person, instead of its fault.