Human, social relations to reach balance, also are under construction on indemnification, for example, to take and give. We will talk about that indemnification which for the person is the most important, and simultaneously the most dangerous: about an equilibration of opposite feelings for achievement of balance in own "I".
If someone feels uncertainly in mutual relations with an opposite sex, at a meeting with important or the celebrated personality, addressing to the big audience, in conversation on a foreign language, or in even any unusual situation by means of exercises and experience the uncertain can find desirable confidence. At the correct relation to world around the person is released from uncertainty. Thanks to the developed contacts and deep attachments the loneliness disappears. Thanks to high achievements and multiplied successes, the self-trust becomes stronger.
If we do that is necessary more often we cope with problems and difficulties which are offered us by a daily life. So through the solved problems, the overcome difficulties and the reached successes we pass a way from a condition of discomfort and irritability, disappointment and bad mood to internal balance.
Ours "I" in a full order if we have balanced the relation to an external world. But our condition becomes dangerous when ours «feelings of» leave balance. Ours "I" break up to opposite parts, enters into irreconcilable contradictions, contrasts mutually amplify, the contradiction becomes aggravated. Then the pendulum between boastful self-admiration and oppressing self-disappointment is shaken all more strongly and faster. Illusions and depressions, claims and fears start to rotate on a circle. Ours "I" turn to the bewitched pendulum with two poles.
Who gets to the closed whirlpool of fruitless events, that will constantly rotate in this circle of a hopelessness. Own forces hardly will possible to release. It confirms inexpressive and disappointed, severe and suffering faces which in set surround us every day. Especially important problem for us - to tell in detail about how to avoid feebleness. But it is a challenge. Many people consider feelings because of which we get to a vicious circle, - vanity, envy, hatred, contempt, desire to humiliate and use people etc. - "absolutely normal".
Other people consider "modern" meaningly to bring up in themselves egoism, thus they absolutely misinterpret concept of "self-control". Some our contemporaries aggravate own egocentrism when in search of the identity, practise unhealthy narcissism. That egoism declares as self-knowledge, - is frequent not that other, psychological dependence on "I" (I - dependence).
Disputable «I - psychology» ("I", superth, "I" am a parent and "I" am a child), neither religious doctrines about morals, nor social norms of decency have not led to understanding of very important vital beginning: our conscience sensitively reacts to infringement of border of normal feelings of. Namely our internal balance and our well-being depends on it, therefore I wish to describe four basic feelings of:
* Self-esteem
* Internal satisfaction
* Internal freedom
* the Self-trust
Thus we wish to show and that occurs when we lose normal feelings of, they break up to contrasts. Contrasts are multiplied, mutually amplify, and, eventually, form a vicious circle.
Self-esteem
Along with self-esteem there are two contrasts of negative sense connected with it:
* revaluation of and self-compulsion of the person (vanity, obstinacy, claims for the power and arrogance);
* underestimation of, some kind of, clearing of of necessity of self-realisation which is substituted for noncommittal and resourcefulness for the purpose of reception of a recognition and acknowledgement of this recognition extracted without real efforts of fruitful activity.
Teodor B. Because of the weakness to alcohol has destroyed normal feeling of - self-esteem. Among the drinking companions it thoughtlessly overestimated itself(himself), as the cleverest. And in a role of the drunk spouse and the businessman which could not rise in the mornings from bed because of the headaches called by abusing of alcohol, - such he despised. It disappeared from painful contempt for in a tavern again to find the right to overestimate, catching for the superiority over habitues of a tavern. So he also has understood a vicious circle of contempt for both revaluation of. And rotation in this circle all was accelerated and accelerated, becoming forced. Normal feeling of, self-esteem, it has lost in in strong degree when has got to dependence on a recognition other people.
The self-esteem and recognition of others are two different, in many respects opposite feelings of. The more easy and more confidently the person respects itself, the less it requires a recognition other people. And on the contrary: than more strongly the person thirsts for recognitions, than brags of the achievements, the property or communications more desperately, especially poor there is its self-esteem.
It is necessary to understand clearly distinction between self-esteem and a recognition (acknowledgement of). Acknowledgement is an ascertaining of that, on what the person is capable. For example, ability to read and write, possession of a foreign language, trade presence. Interest to the person, its appeal in the opinion of other people - too acknowledgement of. The recognition develops confidence of the person of, but not self-esteem. Men and the women behaving as on a poultry yard, sending sexual signals in indifferent space, in general the people wishing that associates admired with them as admire with peacocks, - all of them test and worry a self-esteem lack. Such characters do not have true respect for the partner, that is, bases for the present love. The self-esteem is very important feeling of, it is inherent only in the person who possesses absolutely pure belief and inevitably arrives according to the belief.
Some individuals, especially often women, consider: to achieve self-esteem, it is necessary to make by all means something especial, at least, to give birth to the child. Such "conformists" focus attention that others do for reception of acknowledgement of and for what bill of acts others receive the high public status. But following to another's samples does not conduct to self-esteem. The self-esteem comes to the person only when the person is fair, diligent and faultless. And here the person can reach acknowledgement of through acts as which he considers worthy aspirations. Acknowledgement of is carried out in an academic status, the political career, the impressing riches, the car inspiring admiration, or, in the most "limiting" variant, - the glorifying obituary.
Recently I listened by radio of interview to the woman, the diplomaed psychologist. It has just published the book on a theme «to All of us popularity» is necessary. I during a half an hour patiently waited, when at last the diplomaed psychologist will tell, that popularity is necessary for us only in that case when we do not have acknowledgement of and self-esteem, first of all - self-esteem. In end of interview the leader of a broadcast has asked: «But after all and the self-esteem too is very important?» A tongue twister the answer of the psychologist has followed: «Yes, certainly. But for self-esteem very important constantly to receive proofs of own popularity». In my opinion, psychological ignorance of the psychologist has not added popularity to the author of the book about importance of popularity.
The overestimated self-estimation all fanatics, especially - putting on airs characters suffer: religious, political both public figures. There are also scientists who confuse value of the achievements to value of own person. As that doctor who has told: «In the world only two standing surgeons. The second lives in America». Many artists without a shade of doubts represent themselves bright stars, though the majority of them, probably, all the same flying by comets, instead of motionless stars.
The normal self-esteem is peculiar to people for whom it is quite natural to speak and arrive decently, fairly and honesty, in the consent with the belief. Haughty pride is alien to these people as it is alien to them and servility. It is necessary to possess a good scent to distinguish the worthy modesty of such people based on respect for.
Normal self-esteem people for which to speak and arrive decently, fairly, honesty possess, following the belief, - self-evident behaviour. People who behave and operate in another way and the way of life destroy self-esteem, to learn easy. All of them time dodge, search roundabout ways to carry out the intentions. They find every possible excuses that something not to make, or say opposite to volume that intend to undertake. They say lies on a habit. «Resourceful snakes» I name man's and female individuals, which are not considered with what for the sake of own advantage, which impetuously lie to carry out the influence and to catch the power.
Internal freedom
Internal freedom has two antithesises:
* revaluation of as a way of flight from itself. The individual with the overestimated self-estimation stays in constant search of the best, new, another. It is living in the world of illusions.
* underestimation of as a way of oppression and restriction of. The individual with the underestimated self-estimation constantly is anxious about something, eternally is afraid to lose the partner, health, property.
Own internal freedom the person capable possesses and to demand, and, simultaneously, to refuse own requirements. You feel internal freedom, if can easy ignore phone call when do not want that you distracted. You worry internal freedom if without explanations reject the invitation which is not interesting to you. You possess internal freedom if find in itself courage to express desire, even at confidence that be refused. The one who does not hide the feelings and intentions is free. The free person simply speaks: « I do not want », instead of pretends to be, that it does not have time. To it will not come in a head to play the hypocrite before someone in something. The one who asserts, that it uses excuses to spare other person, actually, is afraid to become unpopular. It spares itself(himself). Fear to lose popularity conducts the person to slavery. So the fear to be dishonoured so there is an unpleasant feeling of confusion and constraint so the shame paint flashes is born.
Only the person feeling free, can be sincere and resourceful. As that attractive woman whom on a question of the admirer, whether it is possible to spend her and in what direction it goes, has answered: «In opposite».
To feel itself internally free, it is necessary to possess self-esteem and to be in a harmony with the belief. Who aspires to that it liked, and searches for acknowledgement of love to at others, never will test sensations of internally free person.
We cannot unmistakably distinguish force of feelings of - the present conscience in us and knowledge of ourselves have become dull. This knowledge, «the moral law in me» with which the Edging admired, cannot be imparted to us from the outside, neither through the religious doctrine about morals, nor through well thought over teaching of that is appreciated as socially-desirable and decent, through political ideology.
Social ideals appear insolvent if they are imposed to people from the outside, instead of become internal belief on the basis of personally gone through inspiration.
The doctor and philosopher Paul Dalke (1865-1928) spoke about it with surprising clearness: «True compulsion of the person proceeds, finally, not from things, and from thinking, therefore there is no compulsion from the outside, there is a self-compulsion. Really: the person is compelled to do something only when he forces itself(himself). And such it is possible only when the person has realised necessity of to what it is obliged to force itself(himself). From what besides follows, that progress is carried out not by means of laws, orders or even violence, but only by manuals. For a long time great people, and teachers are necessary to the world not. And long since in perception of the conceiving person victories and gains, not opening and inventions, not mastering by the world, and comprehension of were considered as the greatest achievement not. And a unique true way to true achievement - to learn itself».
I again and again am am excited with these wise thoughts. Who has read these manuals as soon as that you who took these installations on arms have read, that has already changed. It has relieved the future life from useless or even pernicious roundabout ways.
«To learn itself» - means, to understand the reason: why I do something. «To learn itself» - means to be sensitive and fair with itself, to distinguish true motives and own intentions. We are obliged to wonder constantly: whether I touch the self-esteem with what I speak and I do? And whether I feel myself internally free?
Internal satisfaction
There are two negative contrasts of internal satisfaction:
* revaluation of (the overestimated self-estimation) in a kind a favour of: meal, sweets, alcohol, drugs, purchases (clothes, cars) - all for the sake of satisfaction of own desires.
* underestimation of as a dissatisfaction with self. The person unsatisfied with self wants, that all was in another way, wishes to have more. He feels neglect to itself(himself) and is alienated from itself.
In the relation to another the dissatisfaction with self is expressed in internal leaving, in alienation, in desire to escape, in trouble, irritability and in search of object for the inexhaustible criticism. The hypertrophied requirement for satisfaction conducts to self-satisfaction and a self-pamperedness. The self-satisfaction is quite often embodied in for a long time passed or in desired future love. Except sexual satisfaction different sources of satisfaction of are found. Excessively rich meal, excessive satiety fill often spiritual emptiness of unsatisfied people.
Someone smokes much, that absence of intimate sincere relations to replace with inhalation of a tobacco smoke. Someone drinks a lot of alcohol to drug itself(himself) and not to feel melancholy of unsatisfied desires.
If the vicious circle rotates all faster also the favour of grows to self-deception. A favour of sweets still it is possible to carry to a favour of, but inveterate smoking, the alcoholism and the regular use of sleeping medicines and drugs is already absolute self-deception. «The satisfaction comes from within», - has written recently one psychotherapist in an instruction for patients. Well, installation correct, but useless. Not only the satisfaction, but also vanity, envy, aggression come from within. And we wish to know, that it is necessary to do to reach internal satisfaction and balance.
First of all it is necessary to disaccustom yourself to expectation, that other person on own will will make what you want. Having had patience and readiness for understanding, it is necessary to try to understand other person, to want to belong to the partner, to feel connected with the partner, instead of humiliating with captious criticism and to push away.
About that such happiness, write much, and guess even more. Children collecting coins in a pig-coin box, believe, that the coin box brings happiness. Many adults so never also do not get rid of this children's belief: continue to believe that for happiness achievement money is necessary. Many are unshakably assured: the more money, the there is more than happiness. Who thinks so, will stride on a life in crowd of the unhappy. It is necessary for the stray person more and more, he runs fortunately all faster and faster, but remains on the same unhappy place. If the smog directed fortunately test happiness, - as it would be happy. To be happy, it is necessary to be able to be happy.
Very rich person, the owner of several own country houses and palace has invited me in hotel lux on a beach of one exotic island. I was delighted with beauty of a room and a view of the sea. He has agreed with me, but with a sigh has noted: the room could be wider on metre. The maniacal discontent with all conducts people by happiness. And by a life.
Who perceives beauty of a decline who is grasped by melody sounding who is impressed with organic naturalness of the person, that does not demand anything more these values. It is filled by a life and with that is happy. The one who is happy with the business and the experiences, tests constant happiness.
Self-trust
There are two negative contrasts of a self-trust:
* revaluation of as narcissism: boasting, provocative, is underlined allocated sex, aggression.
* underestimation of as pity to itself: the weakened self-trust, feeling of weakness, inability, feebleness.
Four feelings of form the base of our internal balance: self-esteem, internal freedom, internal satisfaction and a self-trust. About a self-trust I also wish to talk. The self-trust differs from self-esteem. A self-trust - such feeling of which is least connected with self-esteem. If the head of a mafia asserts about itself, that it ostensibly possesses high self-esteem he does not know about what speaks. The Mafiosi certainly feels a strong self-trust, and it at it really is. Any business which the head of a mafia successfully spends, confirms its efficiency. So there is a self-approval of the higher degree, and it develops a self-trust at "boss".
To geniuses who did not realise the exclusive greatness and possessed the lowered confidence to itself, concerns doubting in itself and timid Frants Schubert. It has received for the short life of a few recognitions - all once, from Beethoven. Therefore the great composer seldom worried a condition of self-approval which could strengthen its self-trust. When «German dances» were rehearsed it, it sat near to the conductor and whispered it correct rate of execution: «Faster - more slowly - faster». The annoyed conductor has shouted at it: «That All of you time interfere? Who you, as a matter of fact, the such?»
Schubert has confusedly bowed: «Excuse, the mister the conductor, I only the composer».
The person undermines a self-trust if it is not enough or expects from itself too much. Or if it is not enough or too much from itself demands. The one who makes to itself(himself) too high demands, undoubtedly wishes to admire with itself - the strongest, the most courageous, the greatest. The hero, a star. The presentation to itself of too high requirements reflects the worthy purpose - to admire by itself. Certainly, for those who admires itself, it is necessary, that also others admired with them. Therefore they over a measure are boastful.
Self-admiration underside - compassion to. To at whom the self-trust is lowered, admiration of others is necessary. The one who is dependent on admiration of others, runs into depressive compassion to if during long time does not meet support and a recognition. Therefore many politicians and art stars hurry day by day to read a morning paper, hoping to find there the name.
Many of those who admires with itself, give out themselves unreasonable boasting when, as though accidentally, mention, they are close familiar with what influential people or they like are amicable with what celebrated personalities.
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